man, did that really happen?

I've been thinking about the childbirth a lot lately. I"m not sure if it's a postpartum thing or what but the physical pain and scariness of the whole ordeal has been playing through my memory on and off for the last week or two. I wonder if it's some kind of empty nest equivalent to moving on past pregnancy into full on babydom. Like I don't want to forget how intense it was or how the whole experience impacted the crap out of me, more-so than my previous childbirth. The difference between natural childbirth and having an epideral is like night and day for not only the whole labor part but also for the memory. I didn't retain as much emotional memory of the labor my first time around, I think in part due to the medicating.This time around I remember the feelings (and the pain) of everything. It makes me emotional to know that happened to me. To have gone through something so crazy and invigorating and scary all at the same time.

We were talking about fear yesterday at home and I was saying to my husband that I can still feel the fear I experienced during labor, right before delivery, and I asked him what makes him feel that way. Like, not just what are you afraid of, but what has made you feel fear in your bones. His response, after some time to think, was probably the labor and delivery also. I know this must be true...such an intense thing happening to his wife so far from his control or ability to assist. The fear of the baby's well being through the whole thing. It's just such a crazy thing. I see friends of mine who are nearly due or just finding out they're pregnant and it reminds be of the scariness all over again and I think "they have no idea what's in store."

just a little attention

This morning Tim and I met each other for coffee on the way to the daycare. This normally doesn't happen. the baby was awake, alert, and just generally adorable. She made big smiles to the cashier and got a few complements and then we made our way to a table. We hadn't been seated for but a few seconds when a man approached our table and commented on how we certainly had a well loved baby. He went on to say he had seven kids (all fully grown by now) and how he can tell a bright child when he sees one. apparently he also has a ph.d in psychology and can see that our baby is much more alert and intelligent than most children the same age (she's just turned three months.) He complemented her a little more and then went on with his morning. Tim and I had our coffee, I nursed, and we chatted about the morning so far. Baby finished her breakfast and was being burped when another man approached our table.

This man was older than the first, with a hearing aide. He had a nice grandfatherly face, a well trimmed white beard/mustache, a little cap, and a blue sweater. He came to say that he couldn't help but notice our sweet baby. He said he never got along well with his father and was determined, when he became a father himself, to forget everything he had learned from him. He said his father always made parenting seem like such a chore, always finding things to worry about. When he had kids of his own, he said he never could have imagined how much fun he was going to have. When he would arrive home from work the first thing he would do is go find the children to give them a big hello. He said he would see his daughter's face every time and it would be saying 'here's my dad again coming to kiss and hug all over me'. Then he laughed! And Tim and I laughed. And we all said a few more words about how wonderful children are and how sweet our little baby is. The man's last bit of advise was not to find things to worry about and just 'enjoy the damn kid'. With another laugh, and a blessing, he went on his way. Tim and I made our way to the car shortly after and reminisced about the people we'd just met all in the last 20 minutes.I think it's wonderful that we were able to bring so much happiness around with us this morning. That last man, I had noticed while we were in line for coffee. He had been sort of zoning out on us and not hearing the barista asking him for his order. I know that he was lost in good memories of loving his kids and the happiness they brought him. It's really cool that he came up and shared those memories with us. I know that he left and went about his day thinking fondly of his daughter and the sweetness of his experiences with her as a baby.

Just a really great start to the day.

dude, i need a new job

while having a discussion with a print vendor and explaining my knowledge base comes from managing a print/design shop, one of the principles interrupts and re interrupts me just to tell me that he's going to a lunch meeting. SO demoralizing. So rude. So unprofessional.This place is annoying

new perspective

It's been a while. Although i refuse to dump a complete update to my life from the last few months, I will say that I birthed the most adorable baby girl a number of weeks back. Our house is now very loud a lot of the time and I haven't slept up next to my husband since she was born, but things are good.

Coming back to work after a month off wasn't difficult but dealing with my coworkers, and more specifically my bosses, was a big challenge. I kind of can't believe that I worked with such frustrating people without even noticing. Or I guess I noticed but now I find it difficult to tolerate their stupidity and inefficiency.

Also different is...everything! I know what it's like to have a baby  in the house but I had a prebaby life this time around whereas before I was so new to adult hood the adjustment was much easier. It's not being super tired and sleep deprived that's affecting me, it's that I can no longer go out with my man on a Friday/Saturday night unless I use my precious milk supply and even then it's a super short evening and I spent most of the time fretting (in my mind of course.) Also bothersome is my impatience. Not with the baby, she's pretty easy but with everything else. Between the 4+ reminders to my daughter to get ready for bed and my husband wanting to test his ability to sooth the screaming 2 month old..it's all I can do to not just shout sometimes. I'd like to be my old self again, just with an adorable chubby baby around. It's patience I need...and an exercise routine.

failure

Is is possible to feel like a failure when there's no grade awarded to the test and there are really only very loose guidelines?
I'm SO over this glucose test bullshit. I'm walking regularly, eating healthy snacks, and well balanced legitimate meals but it doesn't seem to make me feel better if I do have a 'cheat' moment that's reflected in my numbers. I'm supposed to wait 2 hours from the time I start eating a meal before I check my levels. But, what if it's a potluck or a birthday dinner party, where I'm not done eating within 20 minutes? What if I'm snacking/grazing for an hour? Does that affect the outcome of my results?
I feel so defeated that it's bringing me down and no one wants to hear about it anymore. I've been doing this for over a month already and although my numbers are consistently low, I'm so affected by a high score. It's making me feel like I'm failing and now I'm just anticipating the worst for everything.  :(

mmm food

how is it that while i'm at home on the weekends, it'll be like 2pm before i realize i haven't had lunch and should probably eat something but when i'm at work I feel the urge to constantly snack literally all day? I never have real hunger pains (except when i first wake up) and I know small meals frequently are the way to go, but it just seems so weird that I can completely turn that urge off over the weekend. maybe i should go for a walk! lol

stressed

i'm feeling stressed. too many things going on and many of them involve money i don't have. not getting an income tax return really hurts :/ i really hope everything works out.

it's finally spring!

It officially feels like spring! That means I officially don't feel like being stuck at work at 3:30 on a Friday. Easter is in just a few days and I'd much rather be baking carrot cupcakes and cleaning up my house pre-weekend activities. I have tons of work that needs to be done of course but I just can't focus. There are people outside enjoying the great weather, and a bunch of people are off because it's Good Friday. Maybe they really will let us go home early. I'm getting hungry again and didn't pack enough snacks to get me through the day. I've got a plan to hit up the grocery store on the way home so I can just get down on all the things I want to achieve as soon as I get there. Spring is so motivating and exciting! Happy Easter to all of you out there.

random stranger

is it because we're on a corner lot? some lady rang our bell last night at 11pm trying to pan-handle gas money. i swear she was casing our house, as it was completely dark and looked like no one was home. a few years ago Tim gave a couple bucks to some lady who came by saying the same thing (and claiming to be our neighbor). he thinks it might have been the same lady. maybe she just thinks we'll give hand outs so she's coming back for more? WTF?

handling my motherfucking business!

I have been so incredibly productive lately. Even though I'm going home and passing out at like 9 after watching TV for 2 hours I am still getting my grown up business handled. Of course it's a bit of team work as Tim has been right there doing pretty much everything with me, but it is still a great feeling.

Getting haircuts, doing landscaping, contacting loan officers proactively, dentist appointments, parent/teacher conference, doctor's appointments, girls night, baby shopping, nursery furniture, oil change, new glasses! I mean this is only the last 2 weeks!! I'm still not getting any sewing done or starting any knitting projects but we're moving along at such a nice pace that I had to say something about it. I had a great review at work and am inspired to progress, even though I'll be completely preoccupied in 4 months with a little one. I'll push ahead at full steam and get things in order until then!

family

While laying in bed early this morning, not being able to sleep, my mind was wondering to the relationship of my family members. I was remembering when my grandma died. At the funeral my mom had my sister and I each read some passage up in front of everyone. I was too overwhelmed and couldn't read mine. It was my sister who came up to my side and hugged me and read on my behalf. I don't have any animosity toward my mom or anything but I can't even imagine watching my daughter crying in front of a room of people. I'd want to go to her and comfort her. My mom knows how close I was to my grandma and knows I was on the fence about flying out to visit her when she was very near the end. So how could she just watch like that?
I think about my mom fondly and want to send her care packages and cool things I find so she knows that she's in my thoughts and that we talk about her frequently in our household. But we're so distant from each other some how. Not that I don't feel loved, it's not that, it's just strange that you can be so close and so far from someone at the same time.

i'm feeling so happy today

i feel glad and happy today. not that i don't always but somehow it feels so strong today. must be hormones :)

home sick

i'm home sick today. just a head cold but enough of one to remind me how horrible it feels to be sick..especially when you can't take any medicine (or practically anything else because everything comes with a warning.) I have the itchiest throat and sinus pressure but my nap a little earlier really helped me feel rested. here's to recovering and a really busy weekend!

omg work annoyance

Really, the same questions again....firstly, I've already explained this to you like 50 times, secondly, it's not fucking rocket science. If you're concerned about how many pieces of paper to put in the machine at once...remove a couple pieces from your stack before you stick it in there. I don't have a formula for you...like 10 sheets of 20lb weight and only 5 sheets of 100lb weight. It doesn't work like that..just take a smallish stack see if it feels like it's to tight in the machine and if it does than remove a couple sheets. This is a 5 minute question about once a month. Are you always asking because you're hoping that I'll just go ahead and do it for you?
And another thing.Why are you asking me my preference on something if you want it done a different way? did you have a convo with the intern and you didn't like their response so instead of being a man and telling the intern that you don't want it that way you'd come and differ to the resident "design" person. he says to me "did you tell the intern to print the job...[in this certain way]" I said "No, I told him how to load cardstock into the manual feed and what paper type to set the machine to for the best results". He didn't ask me for his advice... where you hoping that somehow i'd tell him the same preference as you?

Whew..ok obviously what I've described is not a big deal. And is rather benign. But for some reason this kind of interaction (possibly with this particular person) drives me completely up the wall. He's so incredibly passive aggressive and asks questions that, to me, feel very loaded. It's not like just having a conversation with someone. It's always asking them things. Like he can't just come up and be like, so how are you? He has to have a question or problem to ask me in order to make conversation. That sort of thing is so annoying.

Did you miss me?

I will never understand where old men get these crazy ideas. I am positioned at the front door at my work place. This means I sign for all the deliveries from UPS/FedEx as well as for the toilet paper guy and Staples. I'm friendly to all of them. I don't know their names and I never spend more than 30 seconds chatting with them while I either sign their delivery receipt or tell them where to unload.  But there's this one guy. This one guy has decided that I'm friendly enough to make physical contact with. He delivers the big rolls of plotter paper and the toner for the copy machine.

He's a little hispanic guy in his late 50s early 60s  and stands about 5' 3". I don't know when it happened. But one day when I was standing at my desk on the phone and dealing with multiple tasks he wheeled his dolly around to the more open side of my desk to hand me his receipt to sign and gave me a hug when I returned it. WTH you might be asking!? And the answer is I don't know. It could have been near the holidays or something. And it was just a one armed hug, like 'Oh-I've-known-you semi-regularly-for-the-last-year-and-it's-Christmas-see-you-next-year' kind of thing. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But now it's horribly awkward. He started saying things like "Oh, I'll be back for my hug when I drop these off" and actually waiting around for me to finish my task to get this delivery hug in...

Obviously this is completely inappropriate. Not only because delivery drivers have no business touching the customers, but also because of the expectation! Who thinks that it's acceptable to hug the front desk girl!? And now that I'm pregnant it's even weirder. I have to find a way to tell him it's not ok because i can't hide from my desk every time he comes in.

alllll better

so i'm like a roller coaster ride apparently! my last post was like 'whoa there'. i wonder how nuts i sound to tim! anyway things are better. the baby is doing well and we're looking forward to finding out what it is in about 10 days. i'm showing and plan to tell my bosses on monday so it doesn't just spread like a rumor. i still forget that i'm pregnant sometimes because i'm not feeling it move yet (at least not consistently) but i'm happy and thinking about crafts projects and stuff like that. always a fun time for me..to have an excuse to make things :) we're planning sheryl's baby shower for the first weekend in Feb. So i'm making things for that too. i hope i get a lot of good time this weekend to finish up her stuff. I"m so jazzed all day at work but then go home and want to go to bed at like 8:30. i guess there's plenty of time to do everything, including sleep, so i shouldn't worry about it. Anyway that's the update. maybe i'll blog with an opinion on something one of these days. :p