man, did that really happen?

I've been thinking about the childbirth a lot lately. I"m not sure if it's a postpartum thing or what but the physical pain and scariness of the whole ordeal has been playing through my memory on and off for the last week or two. I wonder if it's some kind of empty nest equivalent to moving on past pregnancy into full on babydom. Like I don't want to forget how intense it was or how the whole experience impacted the crap out of me, more-so than my previous childbirth. The difference between natural childbirth and having an epideral is like night and day for not only the whole labor part but also for the memory. I didn't retain as much emotional memory of the labor my first time around, I think in part due to the medicating.This time around I remember the feelings (and the pain) of everything. It makes me emotional to know that happened to me. To have gone through something so crazy and invigorating and scary all at the same time.

We were talking about fear yesterday at home and I was saying to my husband that I can still feel the fear I experienced during labor, right before delivery, and I asked him what makes him feel that way. Like, not just what are you afraid of, but what has made you feel fear in your bones. His response, after some time to think, was probably the labor and delivery also. I know this must be true...such an intense thing happening to his wife so far from his control or ability to assist. The fear of the baby's well being through the whole thing. It's just such a crazy thing. I see friends of mine who are nearly due or just finding out they're pregnant and it reminds be of the scariness all over again and I think "they have no idea what's in store."

just a little attention

This morning Tim and I met each other for coffee on the way to the daycare. This normally doesn't happen. the baby was awake, alert, and just generally adorable. She made big smiles to the cashier and got a few complements and then we made our way to a table. We hadn't been seated for but a few seconds when a man approached our table and commented on how we certainly had a well loved baby. He went on to say he had seven kids (all fully grown by now) and how he can tell a bright child when he sees one. apparently he also has a ph.d in psychology and can see that our baby is much more alert and intelligent than most children the same age (she's just turned three months.) He complemented her a little more and then went on with his morning. Tim and I had our coffee, I nursed, and we chatted about the morning so far. Baby finished her breakfast and was being burped when another man approached our table.

This man was older than the first, with a hearing aide. He had a nice grandfatherly face, a well trimmed white beard/mustache, a little cap, and a blue sweater. He came to say that he couldn't help but notice our sweet baby. He said he never got along well with his father and was determined, when he became a father himself, to forget everything he had learned from him. He said his father always made parenting seem like such a chore, always finding things to worry about. When he had kids of his own, he said he never could have imagined how much fun he was going to have. When he would arrive home from work the first thing he would do is go find the children to give them a big hello. He said he would see his daughter's face every time and it would be saying 'here's my dad again coming to kiss and hug all over me'. Then he laughed! And Tim and I laughed. And we all said a few more words about how wonderful children are and how sweet our little baby is. The man's last bit of advise was not to find things to worry about and just 'enjoy the damn kid'. With another laugh, and a blessing, he went on his way. Tim and I made our way to the car shortly after and reminisced about the people we'd just met all in the last 20 minutes.I think it's wonderful that we were able to bring so much happiness around with us this morning. That last man, I had noticed while we were in line for coffee. He had been sort of zoning out on us and not hearing the barista asking him for his order. I know that he was lost in good memories of loving his kids and the happiness they brought him. It's really cool that he came up and shared those memories with us. I know that he left and went about his day thinking fondly of his daughter and the sweetness of his experiences with her as a baby.

Just a really great start to the day.