I've been thinking about the childbirth a lot lately. I"m not sure if it's a postpartum thing or what but the physical pain and scariness of the whole ordeal has been playing through my memory on and off for the last week or two. I wonder if it's some kind of empty nest equivalent to moving on past pregnancy into full on babydom. Like I don't want to forget how intense it was or how the whole experience impacted the crap out of me, more-so than my previous childbirth. The difference between natural childbirth and having an epideral is like night and day for not only the whole labor part but also for the memory. I didn't retain as much emotional memory of the labor my first time around, I think in part due to the medicating.This time around I remember the feelings (and the pain) of everything. It makes me emotional to know that happened to me. To have gone through something so crazy and invigorating and scary all at the same time.
We were talking about fear yesterday at home and I was saying to my husband that I can still feel the fear I experienced during labor, right before delivery, and I asked him what makes him feel that way. Like, not just what are you afraid of, but what has made you feel fear in your bones. His response, after some time to think, was probably the labor and delivery also. I know this must be true...such an intense thing happening to his wife so far from his control or ability to assist. The fear of the baby's well being through the whole thing. It's just such a crazy thing. I see friends of mine who are nearly due or just finding out they're pregnant and it reminds be of the scariness all over again and I think "they have no idea what's in store."
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